The 7 Big Not-To’s Of Dealing With Your Man’s Erectile Dysfunction

In case you are not familiar with what ED stands for (congrats! you can actually skip reading the rest of it), it deciphers as erectile dysfunction. Not fun, I know. Matters like that are not exactly a taboo in the world we live, but they are surely not something we can readily discuss even with those we have a profound connection with. And while the actual person affected is dealt the heaviest blow, physiologically and emotionally, the other side of the story is often left untold. So what does it feel like, to be the one whose man is no longer able to manifest his feelings in the most primal and natural way?

In this piece I will have my go at a tall order of trying to help you figure out how the two of you can survive this period of adjusting to ‘new normal’ at minimal cost to your relationship and the mental health of each of you. So, get counterfactual with me!

Don’t Suppress Your Feelings About It

Change are hard to embrace, and you’d be surprised that in the end of the day it all comes down to this universal adage. So the first thing you should not do when the problem reveals itself, is pinning more anguish to it than it actually deserves. Our psyche is wired to hold on to consistency which it equates to safety. As long as things are the way they used to be yesterday, all is fine. The truly freaked up thing about it is that the psyche does not give a cat’s meow if it’s a good constant or a bad one, and here is how we get trapped in destructive patterns that we perceive safe and comfortable only because they are familiar.

This does not go to say that there is something wrong with wanting your significant one to be the healthiest version of himself – quite the opposite. What I say is that mourning over the way things used to be will not bring his functionality back, but will instead put a double whammy on it with the stress tethered to performance anxiety. The moment you embrace the change that has taken place, you will take it as a starting point for constructive action so that you both can do the most of the present situation.

But as we know, it takes time to get to the acceptance stage. So give yourself time and space to stomach what has happened to your personal life with this diagnosis. Now it’s a good idea to take time to process your own raw emotions such as anger, sadness, self-pity, whatever else is there to handle. Remember that you are entitled to feel the way you do, and so is the affected side (the man in your life that is). Do not bottle up the storm, it’s always asking for future trouble once tension gets to strong for you to handle or you lose your focus. The key here is to live through each phase of it and put it to rest, ready to face the reality.

And at the same time,…

Don’t Take It Personally

Because this is like the first thing most of us would do. I sure would. Okay, I would ten years ago. During the past ten years I’ve evolved enough to try and detach myself from that need to be validated by anybody else’s reactions towards my presence, albeit that of the most important people in my life. Mind you, I’m using that ‘try’ word here, which goes to show that this need for external validation is so deeply rooted in most of us that it feels like it never goes away entirely. But at least I see it as something enthetic and stop the feeling in its tracks before it clouds my mind and prevents me from acting mindfully.

Your man’s condition is a good place to start practicing a mindful approach, if you haven’t tried it yet. For once, this is not about you, although you are quite legitimately accustomed to credit all of his hardons to your irresistibility. Don’t panic, your awesomeness is still in place. It’s just that he can’t tell you so with his body language right now. Say, would you be so pissed if he had lost control over his tongue muscles and wouldn’t be able to compliment you articulately? Might sound mushy, but the way he feels about you is not down there. Bother, I haven’t ever expect to profess things like that in my whole lifetime, but it’s in his eyes. There, let’s move on from this bit as quickly as we can and don’t ever mentioned you heard it from me.

And at the same time, make sure that you…

Don’t Shrug Off Your Responsibility

In case you haven’t googled it yet, let me yahoo it in on you: male impotence is not always a physiological issue. There are just as many cases of the so called psychological impotence as the other way around. And while the problem might be rooted anywhere in the vastness of your partner’s subconsciousness, it may as well have developed over the history of your relationships.

Think out of the box, think out of the bedroom: is there a ground for his self-esteem to go down the scale to a point where his very virility becomes internally questioned and consequently rebellious? While triggers are different to every individual, the toll they take on a person’s physique is universal. It is not at all about placing or taking the blame, but rather re-evaluating the prevailing atmosphere and making changes for a healthier environment, where applicable. If you feel like you’ve gradually settled for too much stress and deconstructive patterns in the way your relationships unfold, it is a good time for a master reset.

Start by asking yourself what is it that you find it challenging to put up with about his ways, and instead of eroding his self-worth by making subtle and poignant remarks, arrange for a constructive and open discussion. You will be surprised how much control any unresolved problem will have lost over your mind once you work towards unwinding the spring that’s been wound so tightly by virtue of your evasiveness.

And just a well as every sore point in your relationship should be timely recognized and treated, so should be the problem of ED discussed in a comfortable and trusting setting, so make sure you…

Don’t Sweep It Under The Rug

Being evasive about any concern will result in a backlash of blowing it totally out of proportion. By evading an issue we automatically admit that it is too scary for us to handle, and attach way more angst to it than actually needed.

According to statistics, men feel relieved (and who wouldn’t be, in all honesty!) when given an opportunity to vent about their feelings. And if it’s not likely that you will find him sobbing on your shoulder (though we are open to all options, aren’t we?), you still might hear him waxing lyrical about the way his present condition makes him feel. It is your responsibility to give him to understand that he can safely do so. If he chooses to confide in you in matters that are as taxing on self-esteem as ED is, then the bond between you too is wired to survive this turmoil and possibly a nuclear war started at a gay bar by a cute little band called Electric Six.

Just be there for him at that moment of truth. I am certain you know how to handle your gentleman in distress much better than anything extrapolated I can come up with here. If anything, tell him sex is not the most important thing there is to life. A big fat lie, I know. But just tell him that for now. What is true, however, that sex is so much more than intravaginal penetration. And just beginning to think of how much more it is makes me wan to drop composing this piece and go get some.

The bottom line is, rather than being part of the problem (i.e., being the one he needs to put up a brave façade on for 24/7), be part of the proverbial solution by sharing his emotions and looking for the treatments together. Speaking of which, great affordable treatments are readily available for an average couple. Look for a great Canadian Pharmacy online if you want to find something effective and safe but at the same time budget-friendly like offers on Viagra and other ED drugs, including generics. Of course, do so no sooner than there is a proper prescription in place.

Right, do get him see the doctor about it, and the sooner the better. First off, the sooner the treatment is introduced, the better recovery chances he will have. And more importantly, ED is a common side of many a serious condition that I would hate mentioning here, but take my word for it when I say that every day of delay is unaffordable luxury in cases like that.

Don’t Candy Coat It

My best advice yet is to be (cautiously) frank and (tactfully) sincere in your discussions. The voice you adopt is crucial for his own perception of the problem, so take time to practice it. Tell the truth about your own frustration and concerns, the eventual feeling of deprivation that results from his condition, but rather than deploring his past days of erectile glory, focus on the prospects of his future wellbeing, whatever shape it will take from now on.

Make it obvious for him that even if this function of his body is not restored fully or even in part, the bond between you will not sustain a shuttering blow. But don’t go and say that nothing will change in the way things work between you, because they will, and both of you know it. Do not let this little white lie corrode the trust he has in your objectivity.

Try as you may to deny the changes that will set it with this new development in his health condition, reality will take its toll in a roundabout way. I somehow anticipate certain aggressiveness / passive aggressiveness in a man’s behaviour towards the loved one. If he is not a firm believer in practicality of meditating and mindfulness, chances are that he will give vent to his guilty feelings in a variety of not-so-constructive ways. Be prepared, be patient, but also set your own limits before this corrosive sublimation takes over the way things work between you two.

Don’t Make A Song And A Dance About It

…even if it is a lap dance. I hope you took my advice about living through your emotions seriously, and have made progress moving on and adjusting to this new reality. You risk getting stuck in the moment if you head for an overkill with making it all better. Sometimes making it better means just lightening up and shifting your focus. Veering your mutual attention will cause the stress taper off and provide serious collateral benefits for both his health and your relationships.

Pursue your own interests and hobbies, and make sure he carries on with his. Just like in any physically disabled individual, regardless of the extent to which their bodily functions are damaged, exposure to ED is most likely to instil the feeling of being socially crippled. Foster the understanding that his integrity does not depend on his physical health (or any single factor for that matter) other than his own decision. Join Blue Apron together, craft paper airplanes, take him to see your parents or aunt Maude… You knew I’m shitting you the moment I brought up dear old aunt Maude, poor sweetheart, I should not have gotten her mixed her up in that. But you get the message, right?

And whatever you do, …

Don’t Throw In The Towel

Yeah. This is not the end. Although I quite welcome your going all out in a fit of life-is-not-fair rage and pitch in that all is lost. Just don’t forget to snap out of it after a day or two.

No, seriously. There are ways. Pills, needles, pumps. Who knows, you two might even feel like those add up to the kink factor of your bedroom pastime. If anything, there are always cuddles. Making out felt just as hot as going all the way back at school when being close to the forbidden fruit without actually plucking it did not take away from the thrill of your first affair.

Jokes aside, even small changes in lifestyle can reverse this tide. Smoke cessation, a healthy amount of exercise, going easier on alcohol and other substances (if any), even change of work environment can promote positive dynamics in the way his corpus spongiosum fills with blood. Enlist the help of healthcare specialist you trust, including couples counsellor if needed, find a good online drugstore for discreet supply of medications, and get yourself a good pair of look-see to make out that silver lining in the distance. This is an ultimate success recipe that will pay off if you are consistent with it and hell-bent to stay happy no matter what.